what to say when you don’t know what to say to a young person

By Francisco Ramirez, MPH,

Co-Founder OkaySo

If you work with young people in workforce, tutoring, or mentoring programs, there’s probably a familiar moment you’ve had:

A young person shares something big—about family, money, school, or relationships—and suddenly you feel stuck.

You care. You want to respond well.
But in your head, it’s just: “I don’t know what to say right now.”

That frozen feeling doesn’t mean you’re not good at your job. It usually means your brain is overwhelmed.

why these moments feel so hard

There are lots of reasons these conversations can feel intense for staff:

• You’re putting pressure on yourself to get it “right.”

• The situation is genuinely hard, and you feel it.

• What they’re sharing hits close to home for you.

• Silence feels uncomfortable, so you feel like you have to talk.

• You’re distracted, rushed, or already stressed.

• Your mind is jumping ahead to “What am I supposed to do next?”

All of that can be happening before you even open your mouth—no wonder the words don’t come easily.

One helpful first step? Just noticing which of these shows up for you the most. Awareness alone can start to shift how you respond.

common reactions that don’t actually help

When we feel overwhelmed, most of us reach for fast ways to make the discomfort go away. That can look like:

• Telling a young person it’s “not that bad”

• Trying to find a silver lining

• Reminding them why they “should” feel differently

• Rushing into advice or solutions

• Filling the space with our own stories

• Pushing them quickly to the next step

These responses are totally understandable—but they often leave young people feeling unheard, or like their feelings are “too much.”

In our trainings, we spend time noticing which of these patterns each person tends to fall into, and what might work better instead.

small shifts that make a big difference

The good news is: you don’t need the perfect sentence.

Often, what helps most is much simpler and more human than we think. Things like:

• Allowing a bit more quiet than feels comfortable

• Using very short, supportive phrases instead of long explanations

• Offering the young person (and yourself) a brief pause

• Reflecting a key piece of what they’ve said so they know you’re with them

On their own, these skills sound basic. Practicing them in real situations, with real emotions, is where they become powerful.

That’s the work we do with staff in our “what to say when you don’t know what to say” training—taking these ideas off the page and into everyday youth interactions.

bringing this to your team

OkaySo is a national nonprofit that helps staff become safe spaces for young people through online, on-demand trainings.

In what to say when you don’t know what to say, we help youth workers, tutors, and mentors:

• Understand what’s happening internally in those “stuck” moments

• Notice unhelpful habits without shame

• Practice simple, practical ways to respond when they feel lost for words

If you’d like to explore bringing this training to your organization, you can reach out through our partner form or send us an email—we’d love to talk about how we can support your team.